Losing Boo
by The Urban Spaceman
Summary: Despite her valiant efforts, the worst has happened; Commander Jane Shepard has lost her beloved Boo. Can she find the miniature giant space hamster before it's too late? Will Boo survive the rampant varren and angry biotics looking to extinguish his brief candle? There's only one way to find out! Updating daily until complete. Featuring an ensemble cast!
1. Kasumi's Midnight Visitor

_Hello! This little story is my entry for the April contest at Aria's Afterlife, this month hosted by the one and only bluekrishna, who wants something humourous to laugh at. I'll be updating on a daily basis until the mission is complete. _

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Losing Boo

_ 1. Kasumi's Midnight Visitor_

_"Booooo! Booooooooooo!"_

Kasumi looked up from her novel and scanned the whole Observation Lounge, engaging the special optics she usually reserved for serious heists. Everything _seemed_ normal. With a shrug, she put the sound down to something mechanical and returned to her novel.

_"Booooooooooo!"_

There was no mistaking the noise this time; it was definitely a voice. Putting down her hand-held novel reader, she unfurled her legs and stood with all the grace and silence of a cat. Listening one more time, she decided the voice was coming from one of the nearby environmental support ducts, and dragged a chair to beneath the nearest access port so she could reach it more easily.

She pried off the grille covering the duct, and just for good measure, drew the pistol from her holster. Letting the grille drop to the floor, she pointed the barrel of her gun into the vent and engaged her optics one more time. A pair of eyes. Human. And a face, all dusty and sweat-stained. The figure crawling within the ventilation duct quickly materialised into the shape of Commander Jane Shepard, Saviour of the Citadel, Paragon of the Alliance, Bane of Geth... and Galaxy's Worst Dancer.

"Shepard," Kasumi said.

"Kasumi," Shepard returned.

"I noticed that you are crawling inside the ventilation duct shouting 'booooo!'"

"Yes." Shepard nodded, her brown hair falling into her eyes before she could blow it away in irritation. "Yes I am."

"Are you aware that it's not yet halloween? And even if it _was_ halloween, the old 'haunted ship' routine has been done to death? I think you'd have better luck wearing a white bedsheet with eye-holes cut out."

"Of course I know it's not halloween," Shepard scoffed. "I have a perfectly valid and logical explanation for being inside this ventilation duct."

"And that reason is..?" she prompted.

"Hang on. Let me come out and I'll explain. Here, hold these for me."

A small fishing net on a pole was thrust at Kasumi, along with a block of cheese that Shepard had probably pilfered from the Mess. The cheese was cheddar, but it wasn't fresh, and smelt rather... whiffy. Wrinkling her nose, Kasumi accepted both items.

It took only a moment for Shepard to haul herself out of the vent, and when she dropped to the floor she looked even dirtier than before. She was so grey with dust that it wasn't even possible to see the scars left over from when Cerberus had jigsaw-puzzled her back together. As the Commander stood there, she tried to brush some of the dust from her black and white Cerberus uniform, but only succeeding in making it worse. Eventually, she gave up.

"So. Kasumi. Nice to see you. Is there anything you want to talk about?"

Kasumi gave the Commander a rather pointed look. Sometimes it seemed Shepard had nothing better to do than run around the ship asking people if they needed anything or wanted to talk about personal issues. Perhaps she was simply bored; she'd already made Mordin recite an entire Gilbert and Sullivan play three times today. Sure, the first five or six times had been amusing, but now sometimes Kasumi had _nightmares_ which involved the scientist Salarian.

"I'd like to talk about why you are crawling around the Normandy's air vents at twelve-thirty in the morning carrying a fishing net, a piece of cheese, and shouting 'booooooo!'"

"Oh. Right. Yeah. That." Shepard scratched one cheek, which cut swathes in the dust and left clean imprints behind. "Well... you know how I'm like... really awesome at some stuff? You know, killing things, and persuading people to give me stuff, and driving the mako up vertical cliff faces?"

"Yes, I've noticed how awesome you are at those things," Kasumi nodded, hoping Shepard was going to take the cheese back soon. It really was awful. "And even if I hadn't noticed, I could watch that film that came out about you last year, and learn all about your awesomeness from that."

"Exactly," Shepard grinned. "And you've probably noticed that at other things, I really, really, really, really suck."

"Things like dancing?"

Shepard threw up her arms and let herself fall back onto the sofa, smearing it with vent-dust. "Jeez, you get drunk _once_, and do a silly dance whilst under the influence, and nobody ever lets you forget it!"

"It wasn't once, Shepard."

"It was too!"

"Garrus tells me you did the dance more than once at Flux, back when you'd just been given command of Normandy."

"That doesn't count. It was in my last life," the Commander scowled. "I've died since then, so everything I do only counts from when I came back. Except saving the Citadel; the counts forever."

"I've seen you do the dance at least twice in Afterlife," Kasumi pointed out.

"Well, one time I was really _really_ drunk because some asshole Batarian poisoned me. So that doesn't count either."

"And what about the victory dance you did when you saved those workers on Zorya?"

"There was a hallucinogenic compound on Zorya. Dr Chakwas said I was exposed to trace amounts of it."

"And the victory dance you did when Samara agreed to team up with us?"

"Excitement at working with such an esteemed justicar."

"And the victory dance you did when you found those spare parts for Daniels and Donnelly in engineering?"

"I have no memory of that. You made it up!"

"How about the gleeful jig you performed after punching Khalisah al-Jilani in the face?"

"I was just moving aside so she didn't fall down on me."

"It was captured on Khalisah's camera. And played on the five o'clock news. Every night. For three weeks straight."

"Anyway, as I was saying," Shepard continued, expertly deflecting the accusation, "there are some things I'm terrible at. One of these things is keeping pets alive."

"Ah yes. I heard about the fish." Kasumi put the cheese on the table and took the seat beside Shepard.

"I'm sure it's not my fault," Shepard continued. "I mean, I'm so busy saving the galaxy, how can I be expected to remember to feed my fish? Sometimes I barely remember to feed myself! I even went onto a fish-keeping forum on the extranet and asked what I was doing wrong. Everyone there says all I need to do is sleep with my Yeoman who'll then offer to feed my fish for me, but that feels too much like fishmotional blackmail, and I respect Kelly more than that."

"Plus, she is a woman."

"Yes, the lack of penis is a considerable down-side," said Shepard gravely.

Kasumi nodded. Eventually, Shepard would get to the point. Of course, getting to the point usually required going via several other points, but that was just how Shepard was.

"So anyway," the Commander continued, "Garrus figured I'd do better with an interactive pet. Y'know, something you can pet and stroke and do things with. Because that way I would be able to form some sort of emotional bond with said pet and remember to give it food and water and blah blah blah. He spent almost a week researching Earth animals, and after EDI explained that giraffes aren't exactly suited for life in space, he bought me Boo."

"Your miniature giant space hamster?"

"Yes."

Kasumi looked at the cheese on the table, and the fish net in her hands. Then she looked at the dust-smeared face of Shepard.

"I think I see where this is going."

"I didn't... lose him... per se," said Shepard. "He just... uh... decided to go exploring, in the manner of his kind."

"Hamsters are not particularly known for their penchant for exploration, Shepard. They weren't even the first Earth mammals in space."

Shepard scowled. "Boo is different. He yearned for a life of freedom, so whilst I was busy cleaning out the little hamster presents in his cage, he bolted. Made a dash for the door, overpowered me, and scurried into some dark corner. I _think_ he got into the ventilation shafts, but I'm not sure." The Commander caught her bottom lip between her teeth, the very picture of guilty innocence. "Would you... umm... help me find him?"

"You want me to crawl around the air ducts at ridiculous o'clock in the morning to help you find a hamster that is probably already dead?"

Shepard's eyes welled up. "Don't say that! Boo isn't dead, he has a keen survival instinct! Besides, Garrus would be so disappointed if he learnt I'd killed the first pet he ever bought me. I want him to trust me, and to be confident in the knowledge that not _everything_ I own ends up dead. Please, Kasumi? I'll do anything you ask!"

Kasumi sighed. Shepard was making those stupid sad puppy-dog eyes.

"Alright, Shepard," she said. "On one condition."

"And what's that?"

"You handle the cheese."


	2. Grunt Gets Visitors Too

Losing Boo

_ 2. Grunt Gets Visitors Too_

Ahh, the showers. Steaming hot water pouring down over the body. It reminded him of being in the tank; there was nothing else like it. He had no idea whether Krogans took showers on Tuchanka, but here, it was his single luxury indulgence.

Some of the crew used shower-time as a means to socialise. Personally, Grunt took no pleasure in seeing a group of soaped-up men chatting away in the male bathing room—and even less pleasure in seeing a soaped-up Garrus—so he waited until the early hours of the morning, before the rest of the crew were awake, before indulging himself.

He had little choice. He was so large that his presence in the bathroom tended to deter everybody else. As Jacob put it, _there ain't enough room to swing a cat when you're in there, Grunt_.

He did not know what a cat was, or why humans would want to swing one—perhaps some sort of strange entertainment, or a sport? See who could swing their cat for longest, maybe?—but since the human need for space coincided with his own desire for privacy, he did not complain or even ask questions.

As he stepped into the bathroom, EDI brought the lights on, and he shrugged out of his fluffy bathrobe and hung it on a hook away from the shower cubicle. The robe had been a present from Joker, a sort of 'welcome to the crew' gift. It was green, and on the back it said 'Dungeon Master.' Joker claimed the shop where he'd bought it had run out of 'Battle Master' motif robes. For some reason, that had made Garrus snigger.

He turned the faucet on and slid the temperature gauge all the way to the top. Water poured out at an enjoyable pressure, steam billowing through the cool air until the whole room was nothing but a mass of visibility-reducing white. Smiling, he stepped into the stream. The temperature would have scalded pretty much any other species, but to Grunt it was pleasantly warm. Once he was thoroughly wet, he reached for the soap dispenser and picked up his back-scrubber. A thoughtful gift from Shepard; Krogan arms were, after all, rather short.

A jovial mood took him, and as he scrubbed his back, he started to sing.

"_Oh I do like to be inside the shower_

_Oh I do like to make a cleaner me!_

_And I do like to shoot with my gun, gun gun!_

_Shoot them all in the head,_

_It's such fun, fun, fun!_

_So just let me be inside the shower_

_I'll wash the blood and brain-matter off meeee_

'_Cos there's lots more guns beside_

_And nowhere to run or hide_

_Inside the showeeeeeeer,_

_It's just me!"_

_CLINK_

At the sound of something heavy and metallic hitting the ground, he turned around and froze in mid back-scrub. Why was there a ventilation grille lying on the floor beside his foot?

He looked up. Two pale faces looked down at him from within the ventilation shaft, one of them partially obscured by a dark hood. Two pairs of surprised, wide eyes, staring down at him in all his naked glory. There was only one way he knew of to deal with such embarrassment.

"Shepard."

"Wrex."

"That's not my name."

"Sorry! I meant, Grunt! So sorry."

He shrugged, his shoulder hump rising even higher. "Don't worry about it. Everyone calls me Wrex. I think it's habit."

"Oh god, my eyes," said Kasumi. "I had my enhanced optics active!"

"Something I can do for you, Shepard?" he asked.

"Um, no. We'll just be going."

He watched as Shepard hauled Kasumi back from the open vent, and heard their voices as they crawled away from the male bathing room.

"_Do we have any industrial strength bleach onboard?"_ Kasumi asked.

"_C'mon Kas, it wasn't that bad."_

With a shake of his head, he returned his attention to the shower. _Humans_. Sometimes he just didn't understand them.


	3. The Overkill Cavalry

Losing Boo

_3. The Overkill Cavalry_

Zaeed strode down the corridor, the varren he'd purchased on Omega growling and straining at its leash beside him. He hadn't named the beast yet. Perhaps he _should_. If it was left to Shepard it would end up with some bloody stupid froo-froo name like Patches or Thumper. He had no idea whether the varren was male or female, but it hardly mattered.

"Killer," he said. The varren ignored him. "Ripper," he tried. Again, no response. "Ball-crusher. Mauler. Eviscerator."

The varren whined and looked up at him.

"So, you like Eviscerator, do you? I guess that'll do. I'll call you Viss, for short."

At the Normandy's airlock, he was met by a closed door. He kicked it, but it refused to open, so he hit the intercom panel with his fist and was subjected to a hiss and crackle of a malfunctioning communicator.

"What the hell," he grumbled.

"Mr Massani, bringing restricted life forms on to the Normandy is strictly prohibited."

"Since when have varren been restricted life forms? It's not like I'm smuggling a fucking thresher aboard. These things are kept as pets on Tuchanka."

"This is not Tuchanka. According to galactic law, all varren must be inoculated and identity-chipped in order to be transported between systems. Without the proper paperwork, the varren must be quarantined for a period of fifty-six galactic standard days, to ensure it is not infected with any dangerous or communicable diseases."

"Diseases my ass," he growled, and the varren growled too. "Tell Shepard if she doesn't override whatever bureaucratic bullshit you're spouting I'm gonna put a hole the size of my fist in her ship's hull."

He drew his rifle and aimed it at the hull just to the right of the airlock door. His gun was loaded with incendiary rounds, which oughta burn nice and slow through the Normandy's external plating.

"Better hurry up," he warned. "My trigger finger's getting a bit twitchy."

"Shepard advises that her jurisdiction as a SPECTRE supercedes galactic law," EDI replied after another moment of silence. The airlock door whooshed open. "You may embark."

"About bloody time," he grumbled.

Decon took only a moment, and then he was striding down the length of the Normandy. The Cerberus crew took one look at Viss and then scurried out of his way, finally showing their proper deference to a merc of his renown. It probably helped that Viss looked hungry enough to tear off and eat someone's leg. God, he loved varren.

Getting Viss into the elevator was a bit of a challenge, but the creature was well-trained, and when he aimed at kick at it, it merely scuttled into the elevator compartment and sat itself down in a corner. It gave him what appeared to be a rather baleful look.

Zaeed ground his teeth as the elevator started to move, and the mind-numbing melody of _The Girl From Ipanema_ began to play over the compartmental speakers. Viss hunkered down on the ground and placed both front paws on its head in the best varren attempt to cover its ears that Zaeed had ever seen.

After a torturously long period, which merely showed how sick and twisted Shepard truly was, the elevator stopped, and thankfully so did the music. Zaeed stepped out and hauled Viss with him. Straightening up, he hit the button on the door to the Commander's private quarters, and waited. A few seconds later, it slid open.

Shepard and Kasumi were sequestered beside a table, poring over a 3-dimensional holographic projection of the ship's interior. Some areas were highlighted in yellow or green, but a few places, such as the men's bathroom, were highlighted red.

"What's up, Zaeed?" Shepard asked, too distracted by the holo to even look up.

"You asked me to help you out with your little… problem," he reminded her.

"I asked you to help six hours ago, and you left the ship. Did you get intel that Boo had left the Normandy and was living it large in Afterlife? Did you somehow manage to find my missing hamster whilst you were busy not helping to look for him? Is Boo miraculously back inside his cage? No, it appears to still be empty."

Shepard finally looked up, dark circles ringing tired eyes. Then she saw the varren.

"What the hell is that thing doing here?"

"This is Viss," he said.

"When EDI told me you were bringing a varren aboard, I assumed you were just gonna… y'know… eat it."

"Eat it?" he said in disgust. "Shepard, this is a pure-bred fish-scaled varren in the prime of its life. You don't eat an animal like this."

"I dread to think what you _do _do with an animal like that," Shepard shuddered. "Those things spread scale-itch, you know."

"Viss is here to help with your hunt."

"Elaborate."

"I once used a varren to track a Krogan warlord across half a continent. Once a varren's got a scent it will relentlessly track its prey, running itself to death if necessary."

"Yes, but see, I want to capture Boo, not have him savaged and eaten."

"Bah! You underestimate the damage a free-roaming rodent can do to a ship, Shepard." He patted his assault rifle. "I even fixed up ol' Jessie for the hunt. Trust me, you're better off with that furry menace charred and smoking than chewing on internal power cables."

"Get out!" Shepard yelled, her finger pointing unerringly at the door.

"But—"

"No! I don't want to hear your wacky, hare-brained scheme for recapturing Boo. This isn't a hunt for a heavily armed criminal across a planet, it's a trawl through my ship to find my missing pet hamster. You're not to get involved. And get that varren off my ship!"

Viss looked up, one of Shepard's prized bonsai trees half-mangled in its mouth, and whined.

"Aww, Shepard, how can you say 'no' to a face like that?"

"Easily. Now, leave us in peace. We have half a ship left to comb."

"Fine," Zaeed growled. "Come on, Viss, let's go. Obviously we're no longer wanted. I hope you find your bloody rodent, Shepard, and I hope it's fried itself. Might wanna check Gardner's cooking pan; I heard him saying sautéed rodent is an old military delicacy."

He stormed out of Shepard's quarters, pulling Viss behind him. Ungrateful cow. Some people just thought they were too good for Zaeed Massani's help.


	4. Divide And Be Conquered

Losing Boo

_4. Divide And Be Conquered_

Tali'Zorah coughed inside her suit as her mask's air filter failed to scrub out some foul smell being emitted by part of the Normandy's sub-light engine. Behind her, Jack, who was protected by a biotic barrier, wasn't faring much better.

"Remind me again why we're doing this," Jack complained.

"Because we owe Shepard," said Tali. Under her breath, she grumbled, _"Keelah…"_

"It's just a fucking hamster."

"It's not just any hamster; it's the hamster Garrus bought her. It's symbolic."

"Symbolic of the fact that he's too much of a wimp to just ask Shepard if he can stick it to her."

Tali shook her head. She still wasn't confident about human expressions, but she suspected by Jack's tone that 'stick it to her' had some sort of sexual connotation.

The engineering shaft finally terminated. Tali kicked out the grille, narrowly missing Kenneth's head, and slid to the floor. Even inside her suit she was hot and aching from being so cramped up. Quarian limbs just weren't designed for crawling through small spaces.

"No luck then?" Kenneth asked.

"Of course they didn't have any luck, Kenneth," said Gabby. "Do you _see_ Boo anywhere?"

Kenneth took a very long look at Jack's clothing—or lack of it—which almost earned him a biotic-punch in the 'daddy-bags.'

Whilst Gabby attempted to diffuse the tension between Jack and Kenneth, Tali activated her omni-tool and contacted the Commander. The response was fast and sharp.

"Shepard here. What's the 'sitch?"

"Shepard, we've checked the entire engineering section, with no sign of the target."

"Did you find any of his presents?"

"Um… presents?"

"Hamsters often leave presents behind, in places where they've been."

"She's talking about hamster shit," Jack said, when Tali glanced to her for help in translating. "No, Shepard, we didn't see hamster shit. And that is a fact you should be glad for, because if I'd had to spend my entire afternoon crawling through piles of hamster shit, I would be even more pissed off than I already am. Seriously, just tell Garrus you lost the little shit-maker and offer to let him bone you as compensation. Then we can all get back to our normal routines and the pair of you can finally get over all this unresolved sexual tension."

"No." Shepard's voice was frustrated and crackly; she was probably somewhere near the heat sinks. They tended to interfere with short-range transmissions. "I happen to like the sexual tension. And besides, Boo is all alone out there, frightened and hungry. I want him back. Keep searching. Head towards the secondary induction coils; it's nice and warm down there. Prime hamster territory."

Tali could practically hear Jack grinding her teeth, so she offered a suggestion before the biotic could unleash her anger near the delicate engine core.

"Shepard, this search would go a lot faster if we were to split up," Tali suggested. "I can take the coils apart piece by piece if necessary, and Jack could check somewhere nice and um... cool. And non-vital. Like the... err... Officer's Mess. Plus, I know you have Miranda and Jacob searching through the torpedo bay whilst Mordin keeps Garrus occupied... why not send one of them to check inside the Kodiak, in case Boo's planning to hitch a ride next time we go planet-side?"

"No. It's too risky. Boo already overpowered me in his bid to escape his cage; I don't want to risk him getting the better of anyone else. Until he's found, work in pairs. Nobody goes off alone."

"Shepard, it's a FUCKING HAMSTER!" Jack yelled. But Shepard's response was cut off by another incoming transmission.

"This is Zaeed. We might have a bigger problem on our hands."

"What is it?" asked Shepard.

"I got Viss to sniff Boo's cage, figured it was worth a shot, right? But she managed to slip her leash and got into an engineering access conduit. She could be anywhere by now... and she's out for hamster blood."

There was a bad noise on the comm, which sounded like a string of expletives interspersed with comments about Zaeed's mother. Then the comm line went dead. Probably because of the heat sinks. _Hopefully_ not because Shepard was on her way to kill Zaeed.

"Right, that's it," said Jack.

Glancing at her, Tali saw a blow biotic glow envelope the human's body, and stepped back in alarm. "Err, what are you doing?" she asked.

"This is now a mission of fucking mercy. I'm going to put that fucking little gerbil-wannabe out of its fucking misery before that fucking varren fucking eats it."

Tali winced at each expletive that rolled off Jack's tongue.

Kenneth suddenly looked a little pale, and began inching towards the door. "I... umm... just remembered... Gardner asked me to check the heat coils on the cooking unit in the kitchen. I'll just be going to do that now."

"And I'll help," Gabby added.

They both scarpered so fast that little clouds of dust formed in their wake, leaving Tali alone with the most mentally unstable person on the ship. Well... the _second_ most mentally unstable on the ship. Kasumi was with Shepard.

"Are you coming?" Jack shot at Tali with a glare. "Or are you just going to stand here whining about how crap your life is because you have to live in a suit?"

"I don't whine," Tali said, unable to keep the hurt tone from her voice. "But yes, I'm coming."

After all, when Jack exploded, it was always better to be behind her than in front of her.


	5. Office Banter

Losing Boo

_5. Office Banter_

The torpedo bay was a mess. It looked like a war zone. Hell, it put most war zones to shame. Most war zones could only _dream_ of being this disorderly. It was a new level of chaos that your standard war zone merely _aspired_ to. But as yet, there was no sign of the target.

Jacob glanced at Miranda. There was something different about her today. Something he couldn't quite put his finger on. She was still the same old Miranda, still the ice-queen who barked orders whenever she thought she could get away with it, but as she bent over the launch bay tube, giving him a fine view of her rear assets, he couldn't help but wonder what had changed.

"Jacob, I swear, if you don't stop staring at my ass I'm going to use my biotics to rip your spine up through your mouth and decorate my office with it."

_Damn_. The woman had eyes in the back of her head. All women did.

"Sorry," he said. "Just trying to figure something out."

"Ugh, you're not going to start talking about _'the priiiiize'_ again, are you?"

"Geez, Miranda, I was just trying to get you one of those little cuddly toys from that novelty claw-machine on the Citadel," he grumbled. She'd been really pissed at his failure to acquire the small fluffy spaniel plushie. "You don't have to throw it back in my face every chance you get."

She pushed herself up from where she was draped suggestively over the launch tube, and flicked back her dark shiny hair.

"Then stop staring at my ass."

"Sorry, but there's finer asses than yours to stare at around here," he shot back. That Samara, for example. God, she was... ample. "Like I said, I was just trying to figure out why you look so different today."

"Ah. Well, let me give you a hint." She struck a pose, making maximum use of the available light. But it was so dim in the torpedo bay that he could barely even distinguish her curves.

Then it struck him. The black and white Cerberus uniform which she had clung to for years as a symbol of her freedom from her father's domineering grasp, had been replaced by something black and slinky. The outfight was just as figure-hugging, but it wasn't quite the obvious symbol of Cerberus control.

"You figured out how to put on new clothes," he said, offering an over-the-top clap that echoed around the torpedo bay. "Good for you. Your old uniform was starting to get a bit... rank. But where'd you get the new threads?"

"It's the strangest thing," Miranda said. "You know about the mission I went on with Shepard yesterday, right?"

"The one to save your younger identical clone-sister? Yeah, I heard about that. Glad the kid's alright. I know how much she meant to you."

Miranda gave him a grateful smile. She might be the ice-queen 99.9% of the time, but when it came to her sister, she couldn't help but melt. Just a little. "Well, the weirdest thing happened. I went to bed last night after checking up on Ori, and the following morning I woke up and went to my wardrobe to get a fresh uniform... and found these clothes there as well."

"Huh." Jacob scratched his chin thoughtfully. "Y'know, the same thing happened to me, after Shepard helped me locate my father."

A cruel smiled played across Miranda's lips. "Then why aren't you wearing _your_ new outfit?"

"Oh, um, it doesn't fit properly. A little tight across the shoulders."

"Terrible excuse, Jacob. The Illusive Man has your exact measurements, which means EDI has them, and Shepard has them. It's hardly classified info. Come on, 'fess up. I know you've been itching to change out of black and white ever since the Illusive Man assigned us to the Normandy. Tell me the truth. I can make it an order, if you need it to be one."

"Well, I did try them on," he admitted. "Fit real nice. Looked good on me too, if I do say so myself." He coughed and cast his eyes around for something to change the subject. Stupid ubiquitous torpedoes. He would have given _anything_ for Boo to appear just then. Hell, he would even have liked the varren to show up, just to be a convenient distraction. Unfortunately, fate was against him.

"I'm waiting, Jacob," said Miranda, tapping her foot and folding her arms across her chest.

"I figured that if Shepard wanted me to change uniform, she might want a... umm... mumble mumble."

"That wasn't a sentence, Jacob. You didn't even have the decency to _actually_ mumble. You just said the word."

"Gah, fine!" he snapped. "I figured Shepard might want to see me in my new uniform, since she'd gone to all of the trouble of having it made to fit me like a glove. So the night after I got it, I went to her quarters, and asked if she liked what she saw."

"And?"

He sent a silent prayer to any god listening for a hamster intervention. But none came.

"She laughed. A lot. For like, twenty minutes. And she was still laughing when I left," he admitted. Thankfully he had dark skin, and the blush of shame that heated his cheeks at the memory of his own stupidity could not be seen even by Miranda's sharp eyes.

"Hahaha! Oh Jacob, you fool!" Miranda chuckled. "What made you think Shepard was even remotely interested in you?"

"Just wishful thinking, I guess."

That, and the fact that every time Shepard came to see him to ask if he needed anything or talk about personal stuff, she perched alluringly against the armoury bench and automatically slipped into a sexy tone of voice. Goddamn women, sending mixed signals!

Miranda sighed, and looked around the chaos of the torpedo bay. Small missiles were strewn at random, the launch tube was partially dismantled, and some sort of coolant was leaking from the thrust assembly. Jacob hoped whatever liquid it was wasn't flammable.

"Guess it's time we put this place back together," she said. "That furry little bastard isn't here."

Jacob nodded. "Super-mecha-biotic-morphing-time?"

"Alright."

They reached out, holding hands, fingers interlinked as they called forth their biotic powers. Torpedoes whizzed around the room back into their storage cases, the launch tube started to right itself, and the thrust assembly stopped leaking coolant. In just a few minutes the room was back in perfect order; Garrus would never even suspect they had practically torn the place apart looking for Boo.

As the biotic glow faded, they let their hands fall apart, and Miranda turned to face him.

"Do you ever miss the old days, Jacob?"

"You mean the days when it was you and me against the world? When all we had to go on were your contacts and my instincts? When we ran into loaded guns aimed right at our heads every time we turned a corner? Yeah, I miss it... like a hole in the freaking head."

Miranda smiled. "I miss it too."


	6. Human Anatomy For Dummies (and Turians)

Losing Boo

_6. Human Anatomy For Dummies (and Turians)_

"Okay, let me try again. The knee bone is connected to the uterus—"

"No no no!" Mordin Solus threw the datapad onto the bench in front of Garrus. The Turian was hopeless, absolutely hopeless!

"But Doc, this diagram doesn't look anything like a human," Garrus complained. He waved his clawed hands at the pad in front of him.

"Image is two-dimensional represention of human bone structure overlain with approximation of major organs," Mordin admonished.

"Look, Mordin, it's not that I don't appreciate the biology lesson, but I don't see why I need to know about human anatomy in this much depth."

Garrus made as if to stand up, and Mordin quickly put a firm hand on his shoulder, pushing him back down on the seat beside his scientific workbench. Shepard had been very specific with her instructions; _Keep Garrus busy for as long as Salarianly possible. Do whatever it takes to keep him there. Tell him you gotta treat him for nose cancer, if you have to._ It was still too soon for Garrus to leave. Too much of the ship was yet to be searched. Plus, there was a varren on the loose.

"Have noticed rise in pheromone levels when you and Commander Shepard are in close proximity to each other," he said quickly. "Am assuming this is prelude to elaborate mating rituals. Thought medical advice may of be assistance."

Now Garrus looked wary. Not unusual. Many individuals did not like to talk of mating habits with others. At least, not honestly. There was always much jocularity and hyperbole. Subject of discussion usually kept to shower-time.

"What sort of advice do you have?" the Turian asked. "And _please_ don't show me another medical diagram."

"Very well," Mordin agreed. He took the seat beside Garrus, though it almost pained him to do so. Sitting still was antithetical to everything he believed. _Stay still for too long and you'll grow roots,_ as his people liked to say. "Some data available on cross-species reproduction, but have no solid data for Human–Turian intercourse. As far as I know, never before been done. Human physiology similar in many ways to Asari, however, so have been able to extrapolate information using known parameters."

"Is this all something I'm going to regret hearing?"

"Not at all." Mordin took a deep breath, and then launched into his findings. "First, no doubt you are aware of opposing DNA chirality. Would be dangerous for either partner to ingest tissue from body of other. Anaphylaxis is serious risk, but can provide shot of both levo– and dextro–type epinephrine in case of late-night emergency. Also, have prepared interactive three-dimensional tutorial. Would you like to view now?"

"Sure. I guess. It's not like I have anything else to do, with EDI currently fumigating the main battery for scale-itch. Show me what you got."

Mordin rifled through his desk drawer, eventually locating his educational aid. He brought out his hands, showing Garrus the sock-puppets he'd made. One was pale pink with long brown hair, and the other had a somewhat angular exoskeleton.

"Will now commence pedagogy. This is you," he said, indicating the Turian-style puppet. "And this is Shepard. Here is position which both species will find comfortable."

"Argh, make it stop!" cried Garrus as he planted his hand over his closed eyed. Mordin stopped in mid hand thrust and blinked.

"Problem?"

"Of course there's a problem! I don't want to be instructed in the act of... of..."

"Mating?"

"Yes, that... I don't want to be instructed by some damn sock-puppets!"

"Have also prepared shadow-puppets, should sock-puppets prove offensive," he replied, taking out two cast iron figures in a suggestive pose.

"No. No puppets. Please. Just... give me whatever data you have and let me figure the rest out for myself," Garrus sighed.

"Very well." Mordin scratched his chin thoughtfully. "I wonder... would you mind if I was present for the act? Chance to witness first ever recorded instance of Human–Turian mating too good to pass up."

"Right, that's it." Garrus stood and jumped away from the seat before Mordin could even reach out and haul him down again. Interesting. Hadn't known Turian reflexes were that fast. "Just send whatever you've got to my extranet account and I'll download the data myself."

"But—"

"No."

"Maybe—"

"No."

"If—"

"Forget it." Garrus strode towards the door, which opened at his approach.

"Will forward you data packet including Kama-Sutra positions!" Mordin called at Garrus' retreating back. Once he was certain Garrus was no longer in hearing range, he activated his omni-tool comm unit. "Shepard, have not been able to detain Arch-Angel. Repeat, Arch-Angel has left the science lab."

Before Shepard could respond, another voice chipped in on the same frequency.

"Shepard, this is Miranda. Jacob and I just finished putting the torpedo bay back together. There's no sign of Boo."

"Jack?" Shepard said over the comm. "How your search with Tali going?"

"Wh-_hisssss_ fucki_-crackle_ goddamn stupid ham-_screeeeech_ -nd anyway _kreeeeeeek_ screw y-_hissssssss_ and fu-_krrrrrrrrk _done with this shit."

Hmm. Jack probably near heatsinks. Known problem with them interfering with short-range communications.

"Shepard," said EDI, the ship's AI, "Garrus Vakarian is currently heading towards the main battery. I do not believe he is 'buying' our story of fumigating for scale-itch."

"Alright," Shepard sighed. "Zaeed, evacuate the main battery. If Viss is in there, she'll have to come out eventually, or starve. The rest of you, head back to the Communications room. We've done all we can. Now, I have a new plan."

There was a momentary hum over the comm as everybody gave confirmation they'd heard Shepard's orders. When Mordin was sure nobody else was listening, he opened a direct line to the Commander.

"Shepard? Mordin. Need to talk to you."

"Can't this wait, Mordin? I'm a little busy right now."

"Of course, Shepard. Please stop by science lab at first available opportunity." He smiled to himself. "Have interactive three-dimensional tutorial you may wish to see."


	7. And They All Lived Happily Ever After

Losing Boo

_7. And They All Lived Happily Ever After_

This was it. Shepard's new plan. Her big idea. A way for her to get around having to explain to Garrus that through sheer incompetence she'd lost the hamster he'd bought her as an expression of his unspoken feelings for her.

Kasumi looked down into the cage standing atop Shepard's desk. The orange and white Syrian hamster looked back, and wrinkled its nose at her.

She glanced up at Shepard. "This is it?"

Shepard nodded, her mouth fixed into a grim expression. "I had to face facts; Boo is long gone. Even if we all tore the ship apart, we'd probably never find him. I reckon he dashed out the airlock first chance he got. So, I'd like to introduce you to his replacement; Boo Two!"

"He doesn't look very much like Boo," Kasumi pointed out.

"What? Are you kidding? He's practically identical! I got him from the same pet shop and everything."

"But his orange patterns aren't in the same place." She opened the lid, plucked the surprised hamster from its bed of sawdust, and turned it upside down. "And if I'm not mistaken, this is a girl hamster. It has lady-parts."

Shepard gave a dismissive wave of her hand. "Pfft, mere semantics. Garrus will never know."

Before Kasumi could point out that Garrus was one of the more observant members of the crew, and that he was the one who'd bought the hamster in the first place, the door chime sounded and Shepard's eyes widened.

"Quick, put Boo Two back in his cage before he escapes like Original Boo!"

With a shake of her head, Kasumi complied. The hamster, none the worse for having been rudely probed whilst upside down, picked up a sunflower seed and stuffed it into its cheek pouch.

"Come in," Shepard called, once the cage had been secured with two dead-bolts, four padlocks and a thumb-scanner.

Garrus strode into the room, showed momentary surprise at Kasumi's presence, then turned to the Commander. His facial carapace seemed to soften a little as his eyes fell on the Saviour of the Citadel.

"Shepard," he said, his voice thrumming through the air, as Turian voices tended to do. "You'll never guess who I found wriggling around in my underpants when I woke up this morning."

Shepard's eyes narrowed. "It was Kelly, wasn't it? That harpy… she fancies you, you know. Oh, she is _so_ fired!"

"No, no, it wasn't Kel—I mean, err, Yeoman Chambers," Garrus assured her. He reached into one of his armoured pockets and opened up his hand. There, sitting happily in the middle of the Turian's palm and chewing innocently on a piece of lettuce leaf, was Boo.

Kasumi held her breath. She could sense the impending avalanche of chaos and insanity as Shepard's expression became surprised, then horrified, then speculative, then crafty, all in the space of several seconds. The best thing to do, Kasumi knew, was for Shepard to grab the errant hamster and usher Garrus out of her quarters before he could become any wiser.

The Commander didn't get the chance. One sound permeated the heavy silence of the room; the sound of a squeaky wheel being turned. Garrus glanced behind Shepard, saw Boo Two, who had chosen the worst possible opportunity for spontaneously partaking in a bit of exercise, and then looked down at the hamster perched on his hand.

"Oh. My. God," Shepard said, her hand clamping over her mouth in an expression of faux surprise. "Boo's cloned himself! I've heard this can happen to hamsters when they're exposed to space travel!"

"Umm… really?" Garrus replied. "Nothing in EDI's database suggested hamsters are capable of self-replication."

Shepard quickly tapped EDI's console within her quarters. The AI's holographic representation popped up and regarded the situation with neutrality.

"EDI," said Shepard. "Does your species database have any information about the hamster-cloning phenomenon?"

"No, Shepard, it does not."

"Well, get your entry for hamsters amended accordingly. Garrus had no idea that hamsters can clone themselves when exposed to space travel!"

There was a moment of silence, and Kasumi remembered to let out the breath she'd been holding since the first silence. The tension coming from Shepard was palpable. It was fifty-fifty whether EDI would understand what the Commander was asking.

"Very well, Shepard," the AI said at last. "There must have been some oversight when Cerberus copied my species database from the Alliance. Clearly that data was lost during the transfer."

The hologram disappeared as EDI's algorithms retreated from the room. Garrus coughed politely, and both women turned their attention back to him.

"So, uhh, what should we do with this little guy?" he asked, holding Boo up to human eye-level.

"Well, clearly I should keep the Original Boo," Shepard said, indicating the cage behind her. She quickly grabbed the 'clone'. "Here, Kas, you have Boo's doppleganger. I think it would be good for you to have a pet you can talk to."

Before Kasumi could object that she didn't even _like_ pets, and that she particularly didn't want a pet that only an hour before had been snuggled up to Garrus' dangling unmentionables, the hamster was thrust into her hands. He squeaked indignantly, and looked up at Kasumi with an expression of unrivalled intelligence—at least, by hamster standards.

"Hey, I got you and Boo a present," Garrus said.

"Ooh, presents for my presents!" Shepard grinned happily.

He presented her with a gift-wrapped box, which she tore into with gusto. Once the paper was off she opened up the box and lifted out a round, hollow plastic ball, about the size of a human head.

"It's called a space-ball, I think," the Turian explained. "You can put Boo inside it and let him roam around your quarters. It's a way of giving him a change of scenery and some exercise without him escaping. I figured it was only fair he get the hamster version of shore-leave."

"How very thoughtful!" Shepard said, with a fixed smile. "I'll just put this in here, for later use." She opened up her wardrobe door and rolled the ball inside. Secretly, Kasumi suspected the hamster cage was never going to be opened again.

"What's that?" Garrus asked, peering into Shepard's wardrobe.

"Nothing." The door was slammed shut so fast that it made poor Boo jump in fright. He cowered in Kasumi's hands.

"It looked a little like… sock puppets," he said, sounding suspicious.

"Haha! Don't be silly, Garrus. Sock puppets are for children!"

Before Garrus could reply, there was a loud _BANG_ from outside the quarters, and a cry of _"Come here, you bitch!"_

"Sounds like Miranda and Jack are at it again," said Shepard.

"But that was Zaeed's voice," Kasumi pointed out.

Garrus tapped the door button, and it slid open to reveal Zaeed lying supine on the floor outside the elevator, wrestling a large varren in his arms. The varren glanced up, a half-chewed power cable dangling from its mouth, and whined.

"You can stop worrying, Shepard," said Zaeed. "I found Viss."

"So I see."

"I'm gonna keep her chained and muzzled from now on. If only she could talk; the tales she'd tell us about where she's been, eh?"

The varren wagged its tail. Then it saw Boo, cradled in Kasumi's hands. Viss let out a yelp, dropped the half-chewed cable, and dashed back into the elevator. Zaeed followed, scratching at a rough patch of skin on his neck.

"You know, I wondered where that ship-wide scale-itch infection had come from," Garrus said quietly as the elevator descended. "I always suspected Grunt…"

"Best not to think about it," Shepard replied.

"So. Now that the hamster stuff is sorted out, you wanna…. get some breakfast?"

"Sure," said Shepard with a coy smile. Kasumi rolled her eyes. "Kas, will you make sure the door's locked when you leave?"

"Of course, Commander."

The pair of soon-to-be lovebirds departed, and Kasumi caught a snippet of their conversation.

"_So how are we going to stop Boo and his double from cloning themselves again?"_ Garrus asked.

"_Oh, don't worry about that," _replied Shepard. _"They only clone if they get wet. Or if they're fed after midnight…"_

"Well, Boo," Kasumi said, to the little rodent in her hands, "it looks like it's you and me now. Why don't we go and find you somewhere to live? Somewhere with a nice view?"

"Meep," Boo agreed, with a knowing hamster-smile.

_- The End -_

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_Author's Note: Thanks for being such a great audience, and special thanks for those who've reviewed so far. I hope you all enjoyed this story, and have learnt some valuable lessons about the daily care of miniature giant space-hamsters._


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